Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
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The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator