@TheJamesH1: Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
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@SchlubbyHubby: Lately I'm very optimistic about the future of my marriage... I caught my husband on Tinder, so hopefully he'll meet somebody... soon...
@Dutch_50: My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle - "Take one multivitamin daily." Hmmm
@mommy_cusses: Sorry, can't. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
@hero_ofthenight: If I worked at Starbucks I'd pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time. "I see you're drinking 2%, is that because you think you're fat?"