TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
You Might Also Like
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Reporter: *ports again*
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats