Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Taliband
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12