Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
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Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.