Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
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Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Ladies, why y’all do this?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*