I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
You Might Also Like
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.