Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
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Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.