Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.