12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
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If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells