Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded