Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
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If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.