Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
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(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
The symmetry is uncanny.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*