Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
You Might Also Like
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.