Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
He took my last fry, your honor
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches