Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start