After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
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And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.