Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Not helping
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later