@delusionaliam: Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
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@SamuelHLowe: - 911,what's your emergency? - I'm out of beer! - That's no emergency. - Chest pain? - We'll send an ambulance. - Make sure they bring beer.
@DaHess1: "Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you're trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train." - My Dad
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who'd stare at her boyfriend while he's sleeping.