@delusionaliam: Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
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@david8hughes: [date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Girl: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
@Rollmaninoz: *Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies* 60s cop1: what happened 60s cop2: haha nut allergy
@theshantilly: Me: How awful do I look? Him: You always look beautiful. Me: Do I need to put makeup on? Him: Maybe just a... *stare* Him: No.
@lovemydogduck: My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won't be going back.