@delusionaliam: Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
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@HeyZeus666: In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman's body. Then mom gave birth to me.
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: It's great having kids, isn't it? ME: Oh yeah, it's the best W: How long until they go to bed? ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
@jenlaw_11: "You are what you eat" I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog's ashes into my cat's food bowl