Me, scrolling to find my birth year
You Might Also Like
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Most fashion shows these days…
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant