Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…