Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
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My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”