Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
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Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.