No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
You Might Also Like
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.