Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
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[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*