Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
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FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.