“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
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how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Happy thanksgiving!
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE