@JimGaffigan: "Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
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@vodkachrome: My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what's for dinner.
@pinupteacher: Two praying mantis' sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I Oh shit, did you see that? Daaaamn. She straight up ate him.
@NurseMurderer: This earthquake was the first time that I've ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
@TommyWallace: [Dad jokes anonymous] "...and I'm clean 30 days" Guy from back: HI CLEAN 3O DAYS I'M DAD "DAMN IT, JERRY!"