Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Velcrow
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”