best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard