Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
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When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?