Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
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February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.