Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
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Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset