Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
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A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!