Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
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Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?