today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
no cat here
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Always a housemaid, never a house.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.