@cjwerleman: Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
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@3sunzzz: Airport security doesn't let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, "It's okay, I'm just a harmless alcoholic."
@XplodingUnicorn: I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
@DanMentos: [teaching my 3yo the alphabet] "Ok what's a word that starts with Q" cucumber "That's uh… I don't… let's pick this up again tomorrow"