@cjwerleman: Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
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@mattgallo123: This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
@BrettDruck: I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let's do this bro
@thenatewolf: Me: I have a secret *I take off my wig* Her: I don’t care still I love you *I smile, take off my bald cap* Me: you passed the final test