Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
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“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
the world’s most popular steaming services
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it