Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.