kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
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explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets