Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.