Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
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My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Welcome to the stomach
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon