Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
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I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
lmfao come on
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.