You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
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Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Matt Goss
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*