Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.