Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
You Might Also Like
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t