Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.