toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
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My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
where do you see yourself in five years?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.