@HonestToddler: Toilet won't stop throwing up. I didn't know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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@texasstalkermom: That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
@Fat_Jalbert: Waiter: how would you like your steak? Me: rare [later] Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it* Me: *tearing up* perfect
@ImSoFrancis: *tornado takes out half of my house* Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
@simoncholland: [sitting at a table] Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*