Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Mood.. 😂
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud