@HonestToddler: Toilet won't stop throwing up. I didn't know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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@CovertAgentP: Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
@causticbob: My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
@secondofhername: The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La. Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
@briangaar: Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I'm orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.