Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
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[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I feel seen.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.