Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
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Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up