Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
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Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
adding to the discourse
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
When news reporters do sports stories
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
OH. COME. ON.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect