@Mitchoacan: Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
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@grimpossible: Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
@thepunningman: [first date] "What's wrong?" I don't like the ambulance in this place [sniggering] "You mean ambience" [next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
@Dildo_Hitler: Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as "not Bruce Willis" and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
@OhNoSheTwitnt: How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin's kids?