Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
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“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
fixed it
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Writing, She Murdered.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?