@HrBry: Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
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@FilthyRichmond: The cashier at McDonald's was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby's bottle.
@rolldiggity: "They say penguins can't fly. Can't? Or never got the chance?" I whisper in the penguin's ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.
@Hobo_Splendido: The nephew I'm babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.