@HrBry: Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
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@Corncleats: *flexing arms* I'd like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and- "Hammer?" Holy shit that's way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2
@thatUPSdude: Me: This infomercial is so stupid. *10 mins later* Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?
@AGreaterMonster: I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn't get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.